This was supposed to be a positive post. I had lots of good news to give. I had my final radiotherapy session last Thursday. The sun has been constantly shining (a rarity in Melbourne). I have hair - and I am absolutely loving this short pixie do that I would never have had the guts to try out otherwise. I am putting on much-needed weight. I am down to a low dose of steroids (10mg a day) and haven’t crashed yet. I feel strong, I have energy, and I am very rarely at a loss of something to do. In recent weeks, all I have been focusing on is how good I have been feeling, and stopping my mind from drifting too far ahead (PET scan on March 14, gulp).
But I write this entry with a heavy heart. Last week a friend of mine was killed in an accident. We went to the same high school (we were in the same class from year 7-9), went to the same university and was someone I respected greatly and would always make time for. Absolute top guy, who has left a massive gaping hole in so many lives. It saddens me that I will never see him again, hear him tell his hilarious stories, reminisce about school days and just have a chat and a laugh. What makes it even more tragic is that another one of my classmates, who was from the same friendship group, passed away suddenly only weeks before. Both these people have left behind partners, parents, siblings, close friends and colleagues, and I can’t even begin to fathom the shock and sadness they must be experiencing. In the last five years, my year level, Class of 1999, has said goodbye to four classmates. I’ve only just hit 30, and I really don’t want to attend any more funerals. It just isn’t right.
There is really no way to make sense of it, I’m not even going to try. All I can take away from this is the fact that life is fragile, and you really can’t waste a single moment. I tend to talk a lot about doing things, but laziness or whatever else will make me put it off or fail to get around with it. I’ve decided that has to change. I hope most people I know live long and happy lives, but you just don’t know what is around the corner. Make sure you are living the life you want to live now. Not tomorrow.
Another thing I have learned is that my year level is full of inspiring and wonderful people. The classmates we have lost were wonderful, dynamic people who lived full lives and brought a lot of joy to a lot of people. But also, to see the way my fellow school friends rally around each other at grief-stricken times like this, is truly moving. I know from my own experience that my classmates are thinking of me and wishing me the best on my own journey, and I have reconnected with a lot of awesome people. It doesn’t matter how many years have passed or how often you have seen that person in recent years, these people still manage to reach out and put a smile on your face. I don’t think I ever stopped to think about that before. I feel really proud to be have graduated with Catholic Regional College, Traralgon's Class of 1999. A top bunch!
Despite these recent tragedies, I am making sure I remain as positive as I can about my own situation. If anything, it has given me more resolve to beat this thing - I don’t want to put my year level through any more heartbreak.
Sad, but pressing on. Next post will be more positive, I promise. Live for today, plan for tomorrow, love to the fullest.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
One-hundred days ago, I was sitting in isolation in the Bone Marrow Transplant ward of the Royal Melbourne Hospital, anxious but full of anticipation about the journey ahead. My white cell blood count was written clearly on the whiteboard: zero; meaning that my bone marrow was primed for the its new stem cells to arrive. The infusion was quick and simple and uneventful, but the procedure was potentially life-saving. Sitting there on day zero, I felt the weight of the monumental task ahead. At that stage, Day +100 felt like an elusive dream.
Well I've made it. I'm officially at Day +100, that magic day. But it's not the happy milestone I expected: it's just another day.
Day +100 has been mentioned a lot in this blog, and some of you might wonder what is so special about it. Day +100 is what every bone marrow transplant patient is striving for, because, ideally, on this day, they are set free from the hospital regimen of weekly blood tests, check-ups and scans. It means they have got through the 'danger period' and on their way to recovery and independence. It is the day they walk out of the hospital and get on with their lives.
Today I didn't get to do that. While essentially, I was able to walk free of one hospital, I am walking right into another, and my treatment is ongoing.
I don't really care to dwell on it; Day +100 as a milestone is uneventfully over, but this just means I get to create another. I know better than any other person that things often don't go to plan. I have often likened my journey to sitting on a raft being pushed down a river, and I simply have to go where the river takes me. If I hit rapids, there is no sense in fighting, I simply have to ride it out and have faith that I am going to get out the other side. This visual metaphor has been a very calming influence for me.
So in the past three weeks or so in which I haven't wrote, many things have happened.
1. Slight changes to the game plan, again
Last time I wrote, the plan was to get 25 sessions of radiotherapy to shrink the tumour in my chest to a manageable size, so that the graft (my new immune system) can carry on and do its work fighting the lymphoma. This plan still stands, however, some extra ammunition has been added to the mix in a bid to hit the lymphoma with everything we've got.
Firstly, I'll be getting a drug called Rituximab, a drug I know very well. It has featured in every single cycle of chemotherapy I have had in the last 15 months (which adds up to more than 10 cycles now). Rituximab, which was introduced in the '90s, destroys B cells, so it is very effective in treating my cancer (diffuse large B-cell lymphoma). Alongside radiotherapy, it is hoped this drug will have a dramatic effect. The side effects of Rituximab are minimal compared to other chemo drugs, so I don't need to worry about the usual symptoms like low blood counts, loss of hair, sickness, etc.
The other drug on the table is Interferon. This will be used to boost my new immune system, to kick it into action and get it fighting the lymphoma. At this stage, the plan is that I will receive both of these drugs in two weeks, following the completion of my radiotherapy.
2. Tell me why I don't like Tuesdays
I have been admitted to hospital twice in the last two weeks or so. The first time was Tuesday, January 22, when I came into Peter Mac for my Rituximab. I was feeling pretty average that morning, but this is not entirely unusual (I'm not a morning person at the best of times). When they did my observations, it was discovered I had a low-grade fever (37.5), an elevated heart rate (140bpm) and low blood pressure. Blood tests also showed my white blood cells were at rock bottom (0.1). Bang - hospital admission. I stayed for two nights, no evidence of an infection was found, and I was discharged just in time for the weekend.
3. Aussie Day shenaningans
I had friends visiting, so after my "release" we made a weekend of it. This involved dinner in a restaurant over the twinkling lights of Melbourne, singing our lungs out to karaoke till all hours, nibbles and games at the park and some Hottest 100 tunes (the worst countdown in the history of Hottest 100 countdowns), energetic Just Dance-athons and a cheeky road trip to Mornington on a perfect blue-sky day. With the beauty of hindsight, I now acknowledge that it was probably overload but I would do it all again in a second.
|If you haven't sang karaoke for five hours straight to an empty bar you haven't lived.|
|Bogan? Me? Nah.|
4. Tuesdayitis strikes again ...
The Monday followed Australia Day I was suffering burnout. I felt ill and could barely peel myself off the couch. Once again this wasn't altogether unusual. For the past couple of weeks since I had been taken off steroids, I had been suffering extreme fatigue, nausea, loss of appetite and an itchy rash, things I assumed were related to steroid withdrawal. I had dropped kilograms from my frame, weight I couldn't really afford to lose.
But the shortness of breath I experienced on Tuesday morning was something else. I had walked from the apartment, into the lift, out of the lift and into the car, and I felt like I could barely breathe. I felt tight in my chest, it felt exactly how I would expect an asthma attack to feel. And I panicked. How can a walk of roughly 10 metres leave me feeling like I was bordering on cardiac arrest? Something wasn't right.
My breathing had steadied by the time I got to Peter Mac for radiotherapy, but when I was called from the waiting room I had a dizzy spell. As I walked to the machine stars filled my vision and I had to steady myself as the radiotherapy assistant asked if I was OK. The nurse was called and after I registered a temperature of 38.1 and an elevated heart rate, I was again admitted to hospital. Unlike my previous stay, this time, I genuinely felt unwell enough to be in hospital so I accepted it.
Four nights later, the verdict was that I was suffering some lung inflammation. Scans and X-rays showed that there was no permanent damage or signs of infection in the lungs, so it was assumed that the inflammation was in its early stages and needed to be treated before it got serious. The doctors believe the cause of the inflammation was GVHD, and the radiation possibly exacerbated it.
The good news was my chest scans showed that the tumour in my chest had shrunk, by a third of a centimetre, and considering its overall size is just more than two centimetres, this is significant shrinkage considering I'd only had two weeks of treatment. HELL YEAH.
5. Back on the 'roids again
I was discharged on a hefty dose of Predisonolone (steroids), the remedy for lung inflammation. Since then it's like somebody has flicked a switch. Instead of picking at my food with disinterest, I want to eat everything in sight. I have energy, I can walk reasonable distances, my cough has disappeared and I feel like a new woman. This is great, but it always concerns me what a dramatic effect the steroids have on me, and hence the complete burnout I experience when they are taken away. But the important thing is that they are taking care of the lung inflammation and right now I feel better than I have in weeks. As a result I am getting out and about, remaining active and eating as much as possible to make the most of this steroid high. And it's kind of fun!
While I am in a good place right now, the past few weeks haven't been easy. It's been a tumultuous few weeks and sometimes when I'm asked "how I'm holding up" I have to hold back the tears. It's sometimes difficult to accept that after everything I've been through, I still feel like I'm going backwards. I'm tired physically and mentally and so frustrated. I hate that my life is dictated by radiotherapy and clinic appointments. I hate having awesome weekends with friends and family only to return to the crippling reality of hospitals and waiting rooms. I hate seeing all the other patients around me at Peter Mac having such a hard time (though their strength and joy amid the despair is inspiring). I hate that I am a rake, the lightest I've been in about 12 years or more. I hate that I feel I am getting physically weaker, not stronger. I hate cancer so much!
6. Upwards and onwards
So what's next? I will continue on with the radiotherapy for the next couple of weeks. I have had 14 sessions thus far, so I am just over halfway there. I will rejoice the day I don't have to lie down on that cold bench, get poked and strapped and drawn on, locked into a suffocating mask and get lasered with radiation beams. Although I find myself falling asleep during a lot of sessions, so it's clearly not stressing me out too much. The science of radiotherapy really astounds me, I just can't believe that these radioactive beams are entering my body from all directions and sizzling a tumour embedded deep inside my body. I am always so inspired by how fast cancer treatments are moving - I think in the future radiation will be able to destroy a tumour in no time at all without affecting other delicate organs, chemotherapy will destroy cancer cells without making people sick, and doctors will be able to wire patients' own immune systems to fight the cancer themselves. This is the direction everything is heading.
Around the same time I finish the radiotherapy in two weeks, I will be taken off the steroids again and I will begin on the Rituximab and Interferon which, it is hoped, will help my new immune system to mop up the rest of the lymphoma cells and finish the job. Once again I can only hope and keep all my fingers crossed that this will happen.
At the moment, I have two very promising signs: firstly, that my immune system is interested in fighting the cancer (evidenced by the apparent GVHD and other symptoms) and that radiotherapy or Rituximab or both, are shrinking the tumour. Stuff is working, and I can only be happy about that.
|Oh did I also mention I went to a wedding? Naomi and John, I am so happy I was well enough to share your special day with you - such a perfect day!|